Think Negative - A Character Study of BSOR

BSOR, a law student at [school], is so pessimistic I can't tell if he's serious. As one of his friends, I talk to him frequently, but I've known several who seem to be weary of his shtick. Ask BSOR what he's doing, and 9 times out of 10, he'll tell you "Nothing. Bored." Suggest something to do, and his most common facial expression is an "are you serious?" look of scorn. Once, when asked what the best part of his vacation to Asia was, BSOR simply shrugged and said "I guess one of the hotels was nice." His attitude towards life seems to be summed up as "work, die."

When someone appears to be such a drag coefficient on happiness, it does beg the question - why hang out at all? How do you get a silver lining out of someone who is such a reservoir of negative feelings? Well for me, I have found at least part of an answer - a constant barrage of overly energetic and optimistic comments.

BSOR normally opens conversations with a deadpan "yo." "sup." or "I am bored off my ass." I respond by coming up with increasingly fawning titles to describe him: "The incredible BSOR," "BSOR, the legend.", or just "BSOR!!!" plus a variety of smiley faces. My praise normally is met with a stone wall. For example:

Me: B-"the punisher"-SOR
BSOR: what the hell
BSOR: where did that come from?

And:

BSOR: beatenbyjacks.
Me: BSOR! what a pleasure!
BSOR: shut up
BSOR: whats going on

BSOR is a master of using negativity to explain his actions. He's doing whatever he's doing since there was nothing better to do. Rather than saying he went to law school because he wanted to practice law, BSOR instead explains that he's there because he would be broke otherwise. In these cases, I take the role of an overly involved career counselor or motivational speaker.

Me: BSOR! You can't just settle for law since you need to survive. What are you PASSIONATE about?
BSOR: Meh.
Me: TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR OWN LIFE!

If you're thinking "BSOR isn't that unusual. Law is not typically something people get excited about," what about situations which are unquestionably positive? Like an abundance of attractive singles?

BSOR: the problem with the women here
BSOR: is that they're cute, smart, personable
BSOR: and willing to use all of that against you in the blink of an eye
Me: you speak of them like they are heathens or something
BSOR: oh they are the scourge of the earth
BSOR: sent here by the devil
BSOR: to mess with the minds of men
BSOR: half of my dorm block has been hosed already
BSOR: it's like an epidemic
BSOR: and I'm out of vaccines

I sometimes get tired of trying to get BSOR to see the positive side of life, so I take the opposite approach, prodding him with questions that he's bound to answer in such a negative way it's hilarious. When BSOR started law school, I knew the famously rigorous first year would be opportunity to egg BSOR onto some paranormal negativity.

Me: BSOR!!
Me: HOWS LAW SCHOOL?
Me: you've been at it for a few weeks now?
BSOR: ONE WEEK
BSOR: SHIZNIT
Me: does it FEEL LIKE A MONTH?
BSOR: FUCK YES

Note how BSOR uses an all-capitalization style (which I've adopted to mock him) to mock me. These verbal dances lead to, in my opinion, our best exchanges. Here, I catch caffeine-dependent BSOR in the middle of one of his classes:

BSOR: FO SHHHOOOOOOO
BSOR: I'M CHUGGING RED BULLS LIKE WATER AND POPPING SOUR PATCH CANDIES LIKE TIC-TACS
Me: WHAT THE FUCK WHEN DID YOU EVER GET THIS MUCH ENERGY
BSOR: RED BULLS AND SOUR PATCHES
BSOR : DOWNRIGHT MAGICAL
Me: NORMALLY YOU ARE HALF ZOMBIELIKE AND ARE FULL OF STATEMENTS LIKE "shiiiiit." AND "yo."
Me: WHAT'S NEXT? WILL YOU ACTUALLY BE POSITIVE / OPTIMISTIC?
BSOR: OH FUCK NO
BSOR : THAT TAKES CRACK COCAINE
Me: CRACK IS ONE STEP AWAY FROM RED BULL MY FRIEND
Me: I LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING TO YOU NEXT WEEK WHEN YOU TELL ME LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

BSOR, I'm still waiting.