Empathy

"So you think he's lucky to be dating her?" 

"Let's put it this way.  He's like a little leaguer who randomly pitched a no-hitter at the World Series."

The only thing I know about "Todd" is that he likes to play Magic.  And he even does that with a scowl.  Todd, a lanky gamer in his mid-20s, has a habit of sitting back in his chair, flicking his cards together, and peering skeptically at you while waiting for your move.  When you're playing against him, you aren't as much concerned about losing as being the target of a sarcastic tirade when you win a match. 

At a Magic tournament several years back, I noticed that Todd was matched against a young boy who was there with his father.  This kid looked like he was still in elementary school, and his feet couldn't even touch the floor when he was seated.

At the start of the match, the kid wins the die role to decide whether to play or draw.

Todd:  "Do you want to play or draw first?"

Kid:  "I don't know, what should I do?"

Todd:  "You should draw first."

Kid:  "Why?"

Todd:  "Since I want to play first."

After this, the match starts.  The kid, being inexperienced, doesn't hold his cards close to his chest.  Todd, being tall, peers down at the kids hand, noting all his cards.  He looks at me, gestures at the kid's cards which are plainly visible, and merely shrugs.

So let's get this straight - Todd was playing against an 8 year old.  He sits down, manipulates him into drawing first rather than playing first, and tops it off by looking at his hidden cards.  And he does this all with more a sense of entitlement than of shame.  Why is this?

The answer lies, I think, in the relatively black-and-white way games teach you to see the world.  Take poker.  You can choose what table you sit at in poker, so unless you are literally the worst person in the world, you should be able to find worse players to play with. 

But most people don't do this.  People persist in playing against players who are better than them, learning that they are bad only after paying their table-mates a healthy tip.  In fact, most people probably never realize they are bad - do you know any online poker players that admit they lose money?  Everyone I know claims to be up.  As Darwin once said, "Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge."

Thought of this way, poker is really a game about self-awareness.  If you can control your ego and understand your limitations, you can probably succeed on some scale.  People good at games don't have sympathy for those who can't understand they are bad.  As a player, you are constantly evaluating "is my opponent good, or just another donkey?" If you're playing against a donkey, you just go ahead and crush them.

So when I look at Todd doing everything he can to beat a little kid, I like to think he's just treating the kid like how he would treat others - he thought the kid was bad, and the kid was.  There's no David and Goliath story here - he beat the kid handedly. 

This is not an easy attitude to live with.  In my circle, you can say pretty horrible things about someone else as long as it's true.  Indeed, after a tournament where I had modest success, Todd came up to me and said "How did you do well?  You're so bad."  When TFH and I asked a better Magic player whether a particular card was good, instead of deigning to answer us, he just ripped the card into pieces and threw it into the trash can. 

I have been afflicted by the attitude as well.  One of the few times an argument erupted at TFH's was when a friend complained about the run of cards he was getting in poker.  He said there was "literally nothing he could do" to play better.  "Literally nothing you can do?" we scoffed. "What, are you God's gift to games?  Admit you're awful and quit whining or leave."

But offending friends without the thickest of skins is not the only side effect of this. 

Six years ago, I managed to do the best I have ever done in a Magic tournament, placing in the top 8 of maybe 150 people.  It was a long time ago, so I have forgotten pretty much everything about it - certainly, how it felt to do well.  But to this day, I can tell you with remarkable accuracy about that last round where I was eliminated - I can tell you what my opponent was playing, the cards on the board, and the exact mistake I made that caused me to lose. 

Is this healthy?  I don't know.  But I guess I just mean to say, if you find me tactlessly criticizing you, I do apologize.  But at least know that there's no hypocrisy here, it's a habit I've picked up and trained on myself.